*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
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Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
not to brag, but mine was free
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
🏙👨🏼
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.