I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
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Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are