“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.