I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
You Might Also Like
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
True?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t