Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
How is it still this week?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back