I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase