My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
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This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
それは草
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
i hate you platonically
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?