Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
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My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.