*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
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In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…