They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Spa day..😅
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones