A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
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you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Owl Sanctuary
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad