Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
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ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…