4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
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10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”