Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
You Might Also Like
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.