It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.