[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
You Might Also Like
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
X-tra spooky blend
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.