My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
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pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza