5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
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There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.