The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
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Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Beware of the dog..
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.