My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
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rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
I’ve been learning to cook.
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
every. time.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.