My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
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Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.