You Might Also Like
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.