[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you