Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
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[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
God has abandoned us.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
*cough*
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.