This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
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I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”