[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
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If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.