My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
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I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.