OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Yes