My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
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“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.