If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
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ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number