“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
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If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
Meanwhile in Canada…
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
#inspiration #foodforthought
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*