Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
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sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
That 👊
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem