INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
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Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions