Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
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[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
🙁
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.