Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
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*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.