one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.