my ex boyfriend鈥檚 cousin鈥檚 girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I鈥檝e still got the juice 馃槑
You Might Also Like
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What鈥檚 Tinder?
Me: It鈥檚 a game site.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 馃槉馃槉馃槉
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don鈥檛 take it out of my mouth
Human: what