Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.