Can we not just call it Zealand now?
You Might Also Like
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
What fresh Hell is this?!?
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.