When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”