I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed