“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
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[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*