Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
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me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset