7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
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Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!