[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
You Might Also Like
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
The struggle is real
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans: