If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
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*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.