Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
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Seems a bit forward
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better