I get distracted pretty eas
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My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
When ur friends with white people
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff