My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
You Might Also Like
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.