Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
44.65
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45.01~ gas pumps
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.